Where Ever You Go, There You Are
Where Ever You Go, There You Are
Something, you often see in people who have experienced trauma is a constant need to be on the move. I believe that not only do trauma survivors do this, but many of us in our culture do this. We are told that in order to have joy and happiness we need stuff, in order to get said stuff we need to be fighting day in day out. We constantly need to be doing, we are told. This doing, never slowing down to appreciate, leaves us stressed and exhausted. We are in a constant state of survival mode, we need more, we think. When I have this thing, then I’ll be happy, we tell ourselves, then I’ll be content, comfortable, no longer needing to run, but then we get this thing and it still doesn’t feel like it is enough.
In my work with clients who have PTSD, this is often a theme, constantly moving from one area to another: homes, jobs, relationships, and really a struggle/uncomfortableness/restlessness to stay in one place. What I have come to realize in my own journey in healing from emotional trauma is that I also had this difficulty in being okay with where I am, really just being okay with being okay. I believe this comes from my need and my clients needs for wanting to feel safe. To a trauma survivor, being in one place is not safe. We tell ourselves we need to be doing something, something that can protect ourselves from pain and keep ourselves safe from experiencing this pain ever again.
This need for moving, this restlessness comes from our fight-or-flight response. This is literally our brain trying to protect us. Our brain wants to protect us, our brain wants us not to experience pain. And so we run, we run from relationships, we run from what is important to us, we run from our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When we begin to experience this discomfort instead of feeling these emotions we often avoid. We often avoid and find a way to numb ourselves though shopping, eating, gambling, and various addictions. We run from these feelings, because we have been taught it is not okay to feel any type of pain. We ultimately cause ourselves more pain and more suffering by trying to run. We can understand this logically, but emotionally it is a struggle to be comfortable with these difficult emotions, thoughts, or feelings.
The avoidance of our pain is what pushes us deeper into our pain. If we acknowledge our suffering and pain and turn toward it with compassion and accept what is difficult for us, and truly feel those emotions instead of resisting we can actually get to a point where we are okay with being okay, and thus feel some peace. It seems paradoxical, and it is. Our brains trying to protect us from pain, like it would with things outside of us, such as telling us to take our hand off of a hot stove, actually tells us to also avoid those things that may be painful or difficult. However this doesn’t work, in our minds, if we try to not think about something, that very something is what we think about or we think about it at the most in opportune time. What if instead of avoiding those feelings, emotions, or thoughts we instead tell ourselves it is okay to feel and acknowledge them. We tell ourselves that although we know our brain is trying to protect us, there is a deeper need that may need acknowledged. Maybe that need is for connection with others, or a need to re-connect with ourselves. Who am I and who do I want to be? Who is important to me?, and how can I connect more with those people? Perhaps, we need to address what are the barriers between us and being able to connect with others?
