Language Shifts Culture…

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

I began using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy while treating veterans who have addictions and have experienced trauma. I’ve also incorporated it in my life, and the perspective shift I have seen in myself has felt like a boulder taken off of my chest.

The biggest take away I have had from ACT, is the language that is used. 12 Step groups get this idea. They use quite a bit of great language that sticks with people for years. I believe some of this language hurts and some helps, but it definitely resonates and sticks with people. Why not bring what works for 12 step addiction recovery into other fields?

Language is an important tool that serves a critical function, to connect us. The language and the words we use with people, is what connects or disconnects us. So often in psychotherapy the words used in the therapy office will either connect the therapist and client, or it will put miles between them. This is true for all relationships. We often don’t have the words to explain the emotions we are feeling, and we go to the words or actions we do have, which sometimes leads to more disconnection.

That is key for veterans, first responders, childhood trauma survivors, and many other trauma survivors. They need more tools, they need more language to explain and to learn to understand themselves and others. However, before they can learn those tools and the language that will help them, they need someone who will meet them where they are, to go to that chaotic place, look them in the eye and let them know they can stop running. You can do this using language that is understandable and not overly complex to expand and shift perspectives.

I know how it feels to run, it’s exhausting, but it was all I knew. Always trying to make sure I can stay safe and survive. No rest, sleeping was difficult, and my relationships were toxic and unhealthy. Let me say this though, that was all I had ever seen, all I had ever known. How can you connect with others, if your mind is constantly running and you are constantly in survivor mode, not even realizing that’s where you are at? You need emotionally intelligent people to help you shift that perspective and you have to be willing to look at these ideas with curiosity, so you can bring lasting change to your life.

So here is the problem: In order to move toward what is important to us, we need to connect with someone who will teach us language and skills that will help , however in survival mode connection is very difficult. We push people away in survival mode, because it is possible they might hurt us and we attempt to avoid that pain. And so we feel stuck in this cycle. Language helps with this, and it is vital we use language that will help someone in survival mode stop, notice, and finally really hear the person talking. This is the reason I plan to use language that is understandable and doesn’t overly complicate the ideas presented. Often I will use metaphors, because humans have taught complex ideas through stories since language began. Using stories and metaphors works well in helping an idea stay with someone for years to come.

ACT was based on the idea that the language we use serves a function. The function of the language we are using conveys so much of the context of our experiences. When we use certain words they bring up memories and stories. We tell ourselves these stories in our own minds, with the language we have at the time, and many times our language and understanding is highly self critical.

We can use our words to connect with someone who feels lost to pull them back in to the moment. We can use words to let someone know you may not understand the totality of their experiences but you are willing to be there to connect and let them know they are not alone.

When you connect with yourself and with others, you can then work to understand what and who is important to you. You can connect with what you want to move towards. You can come back to it again and again. When you notice you may have disconnected, which will happen, you can then come back to this place of noticing how your inner dialogue and your behaviors are moving you towards those things that are important.

ACT uses 6 key ideas to structure your recovery. And when I say recovery, I don’t just mean recovery from an addiction, but really recovery from chaos. Chaos looks different for so many people, but ultimately I am discussing the feelings of being stuck in the same patterns that are bringing on an immense amount of emotional pain.

In the blogs that follow. I will go in more detail about the 6 key ideas that will help you move forward. These 6 ideas are being in the present moment, values, taking committed action, self as context (aka in this blog: your bag of shit), defusion, and acceptance. If you’re a veteran, I know you can do acronyms, so here’s an acronym for you to remember these 6 ideas: PVT SDA. In the Army a PVT is short for Private or basically the first rank or pay grade on the scale. So picture this acronym as PVT SDA , a young soldier who is working on their flexibility so they can become stronger. That is what we will be doing, working on our psychological flexibility so that we can move toward what is important to us and gain some emotional strength and intelligence.

Stopping the stigma saves lives. It is because of the stigma that we loose so many people to suicide every day. We don’t talk and we aren’t willing to be flexible enough to realize we need a different way of thinking.

I have lost two uncles, a brother, and a brother in arms to suicide. I truly believe the silence and loneliness that is created when we listen to all the bullshit rules of what a man should or should not do, or what a woman should or should not do, we hurt people tremendously. It’s this shame, these rules of what I should be in society to be worthy of belonging: to be good enough. What if all of this judgement is hurting and killing people on a daily basis? Would we let go then? Would we work to check our preconceived rules of “all men” or “all women”, or all “veterans”, or all “insert random label here.” These labels hurt, they are black and white. We don’t live in a black or white world. We don’t fit perfectly into a label. Maybe “those people” are not the bad guys, maybe “those people” are not the good guys either. They are just people who sometimes make bad and hurtful choices, and people who many times make good and helpful choices.

Perhaps, if we stopped for a moment, pulled ourselves out of our heads and looked around to what connects us, we could then let go of all of the criticizing and judging. We could look at “those people” with compassion, because those people are needed. “Those people” feel so alone they become the statistics of people dying every day to suicide and deaths from addictions.

You are enough, and we need you here. I am not one for believing that there is a grand reason or meaning behind experiencing a traumatic event or events. I am one for understanding we create our meaning after we have been in shit though. So, let’s create that together.