Every Great How Needs a Great Why.
In any plan to make lasting change, self-help program, or recovery program the most important part is to understand the why.
Many times people start a program and are given so many great tools on how they can develop a great plan. Yet, all of these tools are not used or they are set aside later and we return to the behaviors that continue to move us away from what is important.
I can honestly say, from my own personal and professional experience that a majority of us have a great deal of behaviors we find difficult to change and most of those behaviors are rooted in wanting to avoid pain. However, we continue to do them and still experience the pain, usually more so. An example of my own, is when I try to take on too much and people ask for more and I say nothing. I want to avoid the feelings, in myself, of inadequacy. Sometimes, I also struggle with wanting to be “enough” and so I find myself, when I am not being mindful, trying to people please, then maybe I will finally be enough. And so I keep putting more on my plate until my plate is so full that I physically feel sick for days and really all the things that need done are not done well. Emotionally, at this point, I don’t feel connected with the people I care about. I may even should all over them (see my first blog for more one shoulding), then I feel even worse about my behaviors, piling on the feelings of not being “enough” and ultimately feeling very stuck where I am at. Think of some ways that you may avoid painful emotions, thoughts, and feelings and how they may actually end up causing more negative consequences in the end.
We see this in many compulsive behaviors, that really are us trying to find the answer to our pain in things outside of us including intoxicants, shopping, gambling, unhealthy relationships, food, constantly needing to stay busy, seeking chaos through fights, all ways in which we try to avoid our pain.
Some of the questions that we ask ourselves in this early place of starting a new program or routine, when we are not quite sure about changing our behaviors and the work involved, are: Why am I here? What is the point? Do I really need to be here? Can’t I do this on my own? If I can’t do this on my own, what is wrong with me? Everyone has these questions, notice your shoulds here, are they moving your toward what is important?
This is what stops us from moving toward the things that are important. We don’t understand our why. We don’t take the time to really be with ourselves and develop what is important to us. How can we move forward, if we don’t understand what we are moving towards?
Sometimes our why is what people have put on us, we have picked up other people’s shoulds and carried them with us, not knowing why, thinking that we are not enough without other people’s shoulds. This person thinks I should look this certain way, or this person thinks I should smile more, these people think I should talk a certain way and on and on. Often you don’t need all that should in your bag, your bag of shoulds is heavy and really you could take some of that old shit out. You are enough without all of those shoulds and that bag is really heavy to carry as you move forward. Notice that shit that doesn’t belong to you or if it does that you no longer need, acknowledge it, allow yourself to sit with it for awhile when you need to. Through acknowledging your shoulds, really acknowledging their existence and bringing words aloud to them as you share them with another or on paper, so they are not just in your head, they will begin through practice to not feel quite as heavy or have as much control over you and your life.
This bag of shit idea, came to me from combat veterans I have worked with, who shared they had learned the idea from the post traumatic stress unit at Lovell VA in North Chicago. The most important part of this idea is that many of us have some very old crusty shit at the bottom of our bags that makes those bags easier to fill. This is the most difficult type of shoulds which is trauma. Our minds should all over trauma, “I should not have experienced that,” “They should not have put me in that situation,” “I should have done something different.” Trauma is the most important to acknowledge and bring light to, because our bag will continue to fill easily until we acknowledge that pain and feel it. Often we try to ignore it and hope that we can pretend it away. However, our minds usually do the exact opposite of what we want them to. We often think of the things we most want to not think of. Our minds remember and our bags fill easily because of the power of the things we don’t discuss. We have to acknowledge and feel that pain in order to give it less power over our lives.
Yoga is one practice that has really helped me in taking back some of the power I had lost over many years of difficult experiences, and not having the tools to know how to cope. You don’t have to practice yoga to understand this next part. I personally have found it has helped me to calm my nervous system when I feel anxious. I found it some years back, after starting my mindfulness practice, I realized it was difficult to be present and mindful when I had all this chaotic energy in my body and head. I really noticed how it helped me to change my perspective on the world. Some people do this in their own way with their own practice like fishing or hiking, some sort of body movement activity that helps you shift your perspective. When many times I felt like the world was a dangerous place, I knew that I could come to a yoga practice and feel safe again. Now at the start of every yoga practice, most teachers will tell you that the class has an intention. Sometimes, the teacher sets the intention and sometimes the teacher will ask you to set the intention. This is important, the intention is set so that we have a direction for the practice that we are moving toward. We don’t have a goal, we don’t expect ourselves to hit a finish line for practice, but we do have an intention of a direction we are headed toward.
The intention is the present moment decision you have as you engage in behaviors, how you are deciding in the moment to show up.
It helps to understand that our intentions come from understanding what our guiding principles are. Having guiding principles gives us a compass to find our true north because they are what gives you meaning and what is truly important to you. The guiding principles you have, are fueled by your intentions. For example: “It is my intention to really listen and truly be present when I spend time with a friend today, because one of my guiding principles is to be a good friend.”
Guiding principles can change over time. So, it’s good to take time and reflect on what is important to you right now. The WHY or the meaning you have going forward in your life, so that you can come back to it, when the brain says, “I don’t feel like doing this, or this is very painful it would be easier if we just avoid all of this difficult stuff.”
It’s important that we sort the difference in our mind of what is a goal compared to what is the direction I am headed. If we say, “It is important that I improve my health” this is a guiding principle and a direction I am headed in life. However, if we say, “I am not drinking, or I am going to go exercise” these are behaviors. In making lasting changes, it will help if we understand that goals are important, but continuously working on what is important to you, your guiding principles does not have a finish line. We don’t reach a point where we say, “Well I identified my relationship with my daughter as important and I reached my goal so now I don’t need to work on that.” Or, “Well my blood pressure was good today so now I reached my goal and I don’t need to be concerned about my health anymore.”
Knowing your guiding principles will also help you to do some really difficult things. Including, allowing yourself to not get pulled into an argument with someone you love, because you can be mindful and remember that the relationship is worth more to you then the need to avenge old hurts and win the moment of who was right and was wrong. Having an intention before you go into a situation that you know will be difficult, will often set you up for success, because you have reminded yourself what is your guiding principle of who you want to be and set that in your intention going in.
This is why we start here, noticing, taking time to be present right now. What gives you meaning? Take a moment to think of the people that you love, and the person that you want to be for yourself and them. Write down some of your guiding principles to help you to remember the direction your headed. What is important to you, which direction are you going? Then take a few moments throughout the day to be mindful and set an intention everyday for your behaviors with yourself and with others.
Copywright 2019 Aarika Powers, LCSW
